also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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