I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
