i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
