Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
