I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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