I wanna bring you to show and tell
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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