you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
