i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drake has all the answers
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
