the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
