Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think a kid would responsible me up
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
