i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
