I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
is wine microwaveable?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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