found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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