Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
