I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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