need another drink. this is the easiest way
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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