My liver just broke up with me...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
