so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize