So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
