I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
