She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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