i can't believe i had my finger in that
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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