I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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