im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
