If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is it because I queefed?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
