I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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