end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
