I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize