Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize