i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
