I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
