Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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