i think my mom watched the whole time
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize