im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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