i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
