I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
