Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I would ride that face into the sunset
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
