im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
