Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
