i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
