I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
