I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
