I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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