i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
