For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
