i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize