So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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