Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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