i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
