dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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