You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
