I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
