but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
