Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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