So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
