All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just cropdusted the office
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize