we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
