I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
