just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
