If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you didnt know i had herpes?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
