my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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