considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
